Reload And Try Again is an original radio drama produced by The Lesbian Talkshow. A slice of married life in this funny mini-radio drama written by Kiki Archer.
Trisha is dreading the visit to her MIFL’s house but her wife Emily tries to smooth it over. What else can she do when they all about to meet her sister’s boyfriend for the first time? Life is never quite what we expect though even for a nightmare mother in law.
Listen to the podcast here
Written by Kiki Archer
Direction and sound design by Sheena Lemos Ebersohn
please note this transcript has not been edited and is automatically generated meaning certain words will be incorrect.
this is reload and try again written by kiki archer and directed by sheena lemos ebersohn an original radio drama exclusive to the lesbian talk show
hi I’m Kiki Archer and I’ll be playing Tricia
hi I’m Natalie Miller-Snell and I’ll be playing Emily
hi I’m Michelle Binfield and I’ll be playing Judy
hello I’m Paul Steinberg and I will be playing Edward and Trevor
[Music] I don’t want to do it please Emily look at us we’re shattered if anyone asks you tell them the bags under your eyes are Prada riffles bound to comment you can’t keep calling her that oh you said missile was better than hatchet-face yes I did but I think you should simply call my mother Judy missile suit I’ve had a word she’ll be on her best behavior look she’s coming out to greet us she never comes out she must be trying lunch will be fine no for God’s sake mother you can’t park here Jemima add to it will be parking here you must move quickly quickly there due any minute the drives huge mum and we need to get Ricky out I’ll take him it’s the three words every daughter-in-law hates to hear when their missile says I’ll take him or I’ll take her I’ll point out every single mistake you’re making I’ll show you how mothering should be done I’ll raise your child properly I’ll Tricia Judy you need to move the call I’ll take Ritchie no it’s fine I’ll get him out this car seat can be a bit tricky didn’t I say the other one was better the silver crooks quick release you wouldn’t have these problems if he bought the Silver Cross quick release look you’re doing the buckle wrong the Silver Cross didn’t have buckles and we’re out you miss me Richard didn’t you you miss me I watched my mid falls my mother in fucking law volsung away with my baby Richard miss me he missed me you missed you will reload son and try again the cars been moved and we’re now seated on the hard chairs in the corner of the lounge there are three striped Chesterfield sofas in front of us that they’re reserved the Jemima and Edward Judy says the Edward needs to feel the full effect of the Chesterfields as he walks into the lounge and having us sprawled all over them will apparently spoil in the rooms aesthetic Edward is Jemima snoo boyfriend Jemima is my wife’s older sister and my wife of three years is currently doing a very good job of keeping her cool as the hatchet-faced high-pitched nipple recites their list of do’s and don’ts do not talk about uncle Ernie why because they might invite him to the wedding what earth would Edwards family think mother you’ve not even met Edward yet they’ve only been together for two months and what’s wrong with Uncle Ernie anyway the scarring from those burns no one wants to see that especially not at a wedding my grandmother died in a fire not quite true she was cremated after dying from old age but still there were flames involved well at least she doesn’t inflict her skulls and others like all uncle Ernie does Wow my mother in fucking law can even outdo me when it comes to scarred relatives whatever you do do not tell Edward that my Volvo’s on Finance why did you fall though I’m fine Aunt Judy I feel on Emily squeezing my hand you know why Trisha the rich have poor credit ratings never borrowed can’t borrow ridiculous system getting financed on my car proves my writing why do you need to improve your rating if you rich people judge you on your credit rating Trisha as I’m sure you know but that’s beside the point I don’t Edward thinking I can’t afford my car mom I’m sure Edwards just as nervous as you are I’m not nervous I just don’t need you to put him off he works in the city and he drives a Saab Jemima is done very well I watched his Judy’s glance moves from her youngest daughter to me and back again her lip curling in disappointment let’s hope he hasn’t got scars my wife crushes my fingers in warning and it’s an estate a sob estate I glanced down at our 10 month old boy [Music] my wife who’s been swinging the essential oil reed diffuser on the room like she’s the Bishop of Bob men swinging the incense at midnight mass stops what the hell’s a vestibule a polite word for your mother’s porch now I on the other hand prefer to call you mother’s portrait let me move this Snuffy no I’ll do it drop it in the neighbors Ben if you can last time mom fished it out of her own bin and made me take it home I’m not putting ricochet happy and the neighbors Ben let me take it to the garage then oh I’ll go I need the fresh air it is rather Pawnee no I think it must be missiles bullshit that stinks Trish come on she’s my mum and you’re my wife so support me I trudged out at the French windows towards the garage feeling completely hard done to what would it take for my wife to stand up to her mother just once for me I’m not asking for much maybe just the occasional Kanak Judy or stop with the bloody bollocks oh hi Trevor I didn’t see you there in the shadows as they arrived yet Judy told me I’ve got to wait in here until I heard the car a Saab apparently then I have to enter the house and present these carrots I have to make a large song and dance about digging them up fresh more organic allotment know you had an allotment we don’t they wait rows finest Judy wants to make a good impression you know how she is I think back no actually I don’t think I do my first meeting with Judy was in the out of town wimpy restaurant just off the dual carriageway where she said there’d be no chance of bumping into anyone from the parish council this phase of her daughter’s would surely soon passed look you better go back in love she won’t want us arriving together and cluttering up the terrestrial come on Oh Tom what’s the word she wants me to use tell me the secret Trevor how have you stayed married for so long you you an M you’re okay aren’t you yeah but only three is in your 43 years smile not apologise and agree always agree and always apologize and in 40 years time I’ll be hiding in the garage worrying what to call the porch as I clutch my fate bunch of carrots Hey these are Waitrose finest Emily’s like me she’s not like a mother at all Oh God does that mean I’m Judy then as I’m reenter the lounge I’m determined to try harder no matter what missile does no matter what missile says I’ll simply smile and nod smile and nod and here’s Trisha Emily’s partner fashionably late as usual just Peter smile and nod smile and nod hi I’m Emily’s wife nice to meet you nice to meet you I thought Jemima tightly and sense the nerves in the air crikey she must like him to add the missile to the mix at such an early stage of their relationship or maybe she’s looking to get dumped and knows this is the quickest way I stopped myself and take a seat it’s all perfectly pleasant the day will behind of course we’re a very traditional family Edward and we’d like our eldest daughter to get married first mother we’re already married no you’re not darling your civil partners tomorrow is the eldest and she’ll marry first start to rock I’m actually physically biting my tongue this is all perfectly Pleasant the day will be fine we can swap our civil partnership for a marriage at any registry office at any time we only have to sign one form did you hear that Edward you’d better get a wiggle on I made the appointment Saturday you better bloody not have done oh this one likes to tease do you like to tease Edward Jemima I’d rather we announce it now I knew it a man from the city with a sob estate well done Jemima well done sorry Edward sorry I’m stealing your thunder please let me keep quiet you take it away look the Javan is pregnant we had an affair I’ll support it financially but my wife four children are not to find out hello everyone I’ve just been to our lovely organic allotment we’re dug up these organic carrots fresh today no shop book nonsense in our household just organic organic organic straight from the mud look how big they are oh I bet they taste juicy nothing like homegrown veg anyone wants a nibble the ovens broken were off to the wimpy [Music] this has been reload and try again written by kiki archer and directed by sheena lemos ebersohn a radio drama exclusive to the lesbian talk show
Hi I’m Kiki Archer you can find me on my website www.kikiarcherbooks.com and I was playing Trisha
hi I’m Natalie Miller-Snell and I was playing Emily and you can find me at seizethe-day.com
hi I’m Michelle Binfield I was playing Judy you can find me at Facebook at A Binfield
hi I’m Paul Steinberg I was playing Trevor and Edward and you can find me on Twitter at Paul_Steinberg