This episode of The Adventures Of Lesbian Lass is titled The Conversionist Caper.
Samantha has declared that she is no longer lesbian. Her wife is distraught and turns to Lesbian Lass and Bisexual Bombshell to help.
Can they get to the bottom of this terrible turn of events or will the evil Dr Homono get the best of them?
Listen to this here.
Rae D Magdon
Note: This is a spoof podcast meant to be funny. Conversion therapy is no laughing matter in real life and we are fully behind banning it forever.
Transcript for Today’s Show
Please note this transcript has not been edited and is automatically generated meaning certain words will be incorrect.
[Music] this is the adventures of lesbian less the conversion escaper written by Ray D Magdalene directed by sheena lima citizen hi I’m Reggie magton I am the writer music producer and I’m playing zhenya Xander’s aka lesbian lass hi I’m Suzy car and I am playing Alice Ackerman hi I’m Sheena and I’m playing Samantha Spade hi I’m tomorrow and I’m paying Barbara Jordan the part of dr. Hamoui is played by Natalie – no hi I’m an editor and I am playing the announcer The Adventures of lesbian lass once an ordinary woman genius astronaut zhenya Xander’s became something more when the comet Sappho collided with her spacecraft after crash landing back on earth she discovered her new extraordinary powers super strength super speed super agility and super rainbow laser beams with the help of her lovely companion Alice Ackerman zhenya uses her ultra super powers for good and has dedicated her life to fighting crime and the forces of evil they are lesbian lass and the bisexual bombshell in the convergent paper [Music] we join zhenya and Alice at their house on lavender Lane where they are preparing for their monthly book club meeting Alice where’s kitty galore if she’s gotten into the pantry again hold on I’ll check oh there you are come here kitty do we have enough chips for the hummus otherwise I’ll stop by the store now who could that be why it’s my good friend Barbara Jordan stopping by early we have hummus oh it’s terrible Xenia just terrible my laughs ish isn’t a lesbian anymore you mean Samantha Spade why that’s just fine Barbara you see sometimes our labels evolved over time as we discover more about ourselves my gal pal Alice here is bisexual herself no not like that sam says she isn’t interested in women at all oh no that is troubling what do you think Alice is Sam acting any different than normal she threw out all his sweater-vests no she deleted her hozier and septic folk playlists how could she she wants to sell the Jeep it’s such a good reliable vehicle though she even got rid of a collection of late nineties in early two-thousands independent movies and what’s worse she even wants to vote for that’s outrageous something must be done at once I agree a book club will have to wait Barbara please excuse us help yourself to some hummus come Alice to the not invisible jet I still think the non-invisible jet is a silly name well when you build a private jet you can name it yourself I know you meant that sarcastically but I just might in a flirtatious banter we have to rescue Sam from a life of dreary heterosexuality we rejoin zhenya and Alice as they land in front of Barbara and Sam’s house ah there’s never enough parking near the co-op maybe we should have taken the car nonsense this matter must be dealt with it once they walked to Sam’s door passing an organic vegetable garden on the way hello Sam are you there hello zinnia Alice have you come to help me throw off the trappings of my former and natural lifestyle quite the opposite what happened Sam I’ve simply realized that heterosexuality is the natural order of things but what about your wife I hope that Barbara will come to understand the truth as well this is ridiculous Sam you love Barbara suddenly Sam flinches in pain she drops her head into her hands Oh Oh my head what’s wrong it hurts the pain I should go back back to the doctor doctor what doctor doctor the murder my general practitioner Oh Oh it’s fading now thank goodness dr. Hamoui no I’ve never heard of her she’s very good you should see her too she has this new life therapy machine that’s just the best light therapy machine very suspicious Alice I think we should pay this doctor hermano a visit at once [Music] continuing this week’s adventure our heroes face quite the conundrum their friend Samantha Spade claims she has become heterosexual after a lengthy and lovely life of lesbianism zhenia and Alice have decided to visit Sam’s new general practitioner dr. Hamoui in search of answers we rejoin zhenya and Alice in the doctors not so cozy waiting room where they are speaking with the receptionist I’m sorry ladies I can’t confirm or deny whether anyone is a patient here privacy laws you know but we already know Sam as a patient we want to speak to dr. Romano because we’re concerned about her health the doctor is very busy but if you want to make an appointment we don’t need an appointment we just get it I I’d like an appointment my wife and I are looking for a new general practitioner but I’m not your Oh Wow that was my foot wife oh yes we should make an appointment at once then I have an open slot right now as a matter of fact you came at a good time lucky me I’ll take it the names Ackerman Alice Ackerman all right Alice we might as well wait zinnia and Alice take too uncomfortable chairs side by side and pretend to watch a small television mounted on the wall confused about your sexuality don’t know where to turn we can help make an appointment today Alice I’ve informed the doctor we had a walk-in and she’s ready for you Thanks can my wife come with me certainly now come with me we follow our heroes to dr. Hamoui nose exam room all appears normal except excuse me what’s that chair in the corner the one with the panels oh that’s our light therapy machine doctor hamona painted it herself it helps of mental conditions like depression and such hmm so like one of those vitamin D lights I suppose you’re welcome to try it if you like we encourage our visitors to sit while they wait in case they want to schedule more appointments with us Thanks I’ll do that the doctor will be back shortly quick Alice we must investigate this chair zhenya wait don’t fit in it yet how else am I supposed to figure out how it works oh I guess my chin goes here and the panel goes there Wow do you feel any different no everything seems normal I still know the title of every Xena episode and I want to go shopping for some new flannel shirts later even though I can’t bear to get rid of my old ones yep normal that’s because I haven’t turned it on yet oh I didn’t see you come back wait is that a remote in your hand I’m glad your friend decided to test my chair first from what I’ve heard she has a very serious condition you mean my being a lesbian that isn’t a condition I’m getting out of this chair it’s too late once I press this button all thoughts of your deviant lifestyle will be erased from your mind forever you your doctor home oh no it’s too late to stop me so called by a sexual bombshell your confusion won’t require such strong treatment but it’s time to give lesbian lass a heavy dose of heterosexuality with my gay be gone machine I’ll never be heterosexual there’s nothing anyone can do to change me we’ll see about that [Music] what will our heroes do well dr. Hamoui erase lesbian lasses lesbianism forever will alice be able to save her beloved friend and companion stay tuned for the exciting conclusion after a word from our sponsors thousand non-binary pals we all know how useless we are at flirting but there is a solution with the new limited edition I probably don’t know you’re flirting with me pin you can put yourself out on the market without the awkwardness of wondering is she clear pin it to the front of your flannel and go out on the town with pride will this be the solution to your problems we honestly have no idea but it’s better than just staring at girls and forgetting how words go [Music] our heroes have found themselves in quite a pesky predicament the evil dr. Hamoui has pacified lesbian lass with her perilous gay begone machine how will zhenya and Alice ever get out of this pickle let’s listen shall we zhenya are you all right how are you feeling lesbian lass my head hurts where am I at the start of your new straight life now you won’t have to worry about any of those unnatural feelings for women anymore women why would I love women when I’m also a woman that doesn’t make any sense Senia know you being straight is unnatural all sexual identities are fine and dandy but this one isn’t yours huh Oh Alice I’ve always wondered why isn’t there a straight Friday Oh senia it’s too late bisexual bombshell with lesbian alas under my control I’ll build an even bigger gay be gone machine one strong enough to hit her sexy Phi the entire world I might not be able to stop you dr. Hamoui no but I do have one question what about gay trans people what what will your machine do to gay and lesbian trans people I assume you’re the kind of inconsiderate imbecile who doesn’t respect people’s stated gender identities so by your highly erroneous definition they’re already straight that’s easy it will make them attracted to the opposite gender of course which opposite gender men or women and what about non-binary people what will your gay be gone machine do to them I you see this is quite a puzzler quick while she’s distracted zhenya you have to remember you’re a lesbian me a lesbian that’s ridiculous Alice I simply haven’t met the right man zhenya there are 165 million men in the United States alone if none of them have interested you so far it isn’t happening now well no but we don’t have time for this you need to remember before dr. Hamoui escapes her own logical fallacy everyone should just go back to the gender they were assigned at birth because chromosomes but what about intersex individuals with different chromosomal structures hmm zhenya I’m going to do something drastic do I have your consent sure you’re my best friend consent for what hmm well how do you feel I feel gay there’s been less what are you doing get back in that chair no way dr. Hamato you’re horrible heterosexual heist is over and done with now to melt this equipment with my rainbow lasers no my beautiful KP gun machine why you can’t pray the Gateway and you can’t hypnotize it away either you’ll be a lot happier if you just accept other people’s differences and focus on yourself doctor maybe you’re right maybe I could stand to mind my own business and focus on my own life for a while ha just kidding watch me escape with my super straight jetpack Oh lesbian less and I won’t stop until I turn the entire world straight that looked painful do you think she heard her head crashing through the ceiling Alice your quick thinking and decisive actions saved me thank you you’re welcome oh we’re hugging now okay that’s a lot of contact there this is totally fine and not awkward at all excellent I hope kissing me wasn’t too awkward for you considering we’re just friends and all right just friends of course should we go after dr. Hamoui no we’ve shut down her operation for a good long while besides we need to check on Sam and make sure she’s back to normal and we don’t want to be late for book club either where the hosts after all right let’s go [Music] after a busy day of crime-fighting zhenya and Alice returned home in high spirits only to find Barbara and Sam at their door sorry we’re late we had to stop a power-mad doctor from turning the world straight oh is that what happened to Sam and you fixed it thank you she’s completely back to normal I have no idea what came over me how could I ever think I was straight I don’t know but I’m so happy to have you back I love you oh I love you too glad you’re feeling better Sam a book club doesn’t start for another 20 minutes but would you like to come in oh yes please I think you mentioned homicidio I want to Pete the cat yep you’re a lesbian again all right kitty galore always loves pets that and sleeping on the laundry as our heroes and friends head inside all seems gay and bright at this quiet house on lavender Lane or perhaps not so quiet Miss Kitty get out of the pantry and so the day is saved thanks to lesbian lass and a bisexual bombshell and the perfectly valid existence of gay and lesbian trans people non-binary people and intersex people you’ve been listening to the adventures of lesbian s written by Ray D Magda directed and edited by Sheena lemos ebersohn starring rae d magton Susie carr and it’s her Natalie Melissa know myself and tamara lemos ebersohn this has been a spoof podcast brought to you by totes find us at the lesbian talk show calm