Sheena is joined by Amy and Lise to chat about how butch women like to be asked out on this episode of Ask A Butch.
Listen to this episode here
How Do Butch Women Like To Be Asked Out?
Ask A Butch
Episode 3 of 5
This podcast series is aimed at busting myths around butch lesbians by asking actual butch lesbians.
About Amy Herman-Pall
Amy’s been out for over 25 years, but it took her some time to accept and identify with the label ‘butch.’ She’s worked in several different traditionally male jobs, from carpentry and woodworking, to truck driving, and in each she’s simply proven that a woman can do as well as a man.
As far as other butch stereotypes go, there are some she fits and some she never will. But she’s found her match in the femme that claimed her.
About Lise MacTague
Lise MacTague is a spec fit author. She has been known to play ice hockey and build awesome cosplay guns that she sells on her etsy account.
She co-hosts the podcast Let Geek Out! and she does occasional reviews for The Lesbian Review.
Sheena struggled for most of her youth with coming out. It was only at 22 when she met her wife that she could no longer deny her attraction to women. A large part of why she struggled had to do with the misconceptions and stereotypes of being a lesbian.
So she and her wife started to the show Les Talk About It where these myths and stereotypes are discussed.
Ask A Butch is a spin-off show. Sheena soon realized that it was not possible to answer questions all types of lesbians and so she wanted to address hatred towards butch women, specifically.
You are listening to ask a butch. I am Sheena and I wanted to explore some of the mysteries myths and stereotypes around butch woman and see what really resides in a butch woman’s hearts you know and all that flannel what I have found is that often misconceptions will lead to hatred or fear and unfortunately butch woman often be the brunt of that so let’s break the cycle here joining me today are Lee’s and Amy, both women who identify as butch and they’re going to help us understand things a little better how do butch women like to be asked out? With hearts and flowers [Laughter] truthfully I I don’t even know how to answer that because I I don’t even have any sort of experience asking people out most of the people that I go out with I met and became friendly with before we moved into dating so I’ve never I think maybe once I went up to somebody as they had perfect stranger and asked them out and gosh that’s scary but whether it’s butcher femme I would think that anybody would if if it’s a stranger or or even if it’s somebody that you know as as friends or acquaintances anybody would would prefer that you just come up and say hey would you like to go out with me I mean that’s not so hard and then the person who you’re asking will say oh they’ll either say yeah that’d be great or they’ll be like hey that’s all right right another way you respect what what they say I’m in the same boat as as Amy I don’t well I don’t ask people out mostly because I assumed that well alright I’m married for the first thing so like definitely don’t ask people out if you’re listening right now Lynn you heard that right cya but but even when Iona have been unattached it’s it’s I just assumed that nobody would be interested so I don’t ask and my wife actually was the one who had to put it out there like hey I like you I was like oh oh really because I’m completely oblivious so yeah I wonder if that’s because you’re you’re a writer did you see Neil Neil Gaiman’s quote on how to flirt with a writer don’t think so it was basically yes the writer is mostly in their own world and won’t see any of the subtle hints that you give so if you want to flirt with a writer walk up to them and say I like you let’s do something together yeah it sounds about right is it coming for butch woman to do the asking or to be asked I think that that’s that’s a reflection of heterosexual society where men are supposed to be the ones who ask and so because the Butch’s are masculine they’re perceived to also be the ones who are supposed to ask and I think that you know unfortunately there are a lot of butchers out there like like Lisa and I who are clueless we won’t take subtle hints that you’re interested so if you really want to ask one of those types of butch is out you will have to actually come up and hit them with the two-by-four to the back of the head so that they actually get a clue that you’re interested yeah I think it sort of does a disservice this idea that butch women are just like men because we’re not and this is just one more area where we’re not some like weird lesser analog of a man we are people just like fens are people just like men are people no matter how masculine or feminine they may be and we’re all different and I’m not comfortable going up to and when and asking her out and that has something to do with anything except that’s me because of my own weird issues and hang-ups what’s happened to do with me being a butch or me being a lesbian just being a weird partially broken like most of us are person so I think also that asking someone out there’s two things I’ll say about it is first of all you have to be you have to be brave you have to have the courage to because what you’re doing is you’re you’re risking rejection and I think that too often that’s put on the masculine it’s put on men it’s put on butchers because they’re the ones who are supposed to be brave and so I think that that’s you know that’s I don’t think that that’s necessarily fair but it’s the way that society actually evolved okay but if you’re a famine you’re interested in a bunch and she’s you know single and and you know looking or free or clueless and you don’t go up and ask her out and the next film comes along and does then you may have missed out on your chance so yeah you have to you have to gather the courage and risk the rejection but it’s also that you have to be able to to know what you want and and if you want to get that pert note get to know that person better then put yourself out there I think that’s wise words for anybody exactly and may I get the takeaway from this one is is that how do butch just like to be asked out like anybody else asked politely and then their answer respected and also you know maybe think of what you’d want to do if they say yes because asking a butch out and having them say yes and then you saying well what do you want to do kind of defeats the purpose I think so you guys reckon that the person who asks does loss he needs to plan the date well at least the first one I think that that’s fair yeah I mean unless you want to do something that I want to do but you don’t know me so how are you going to know that that should be what what that person is into or interest in what is a good first date for to take a butcher – you’re here asking for generalizations again the best thing to do is to try to figure out what the butch likes to do I mean like I I saw somebody comment on on using that website there that dating service plenty of fish and I thought she was actually talking about fishing how many people use fishes dating and I’m just like well I love to fish I think it’s great but if I had ever taken my wife out to it fish she would have we never would have stayed together because that’s not something that she likes so find out what you what the butch likes find out if you like to do what the butch likes and then ya plan a date and also and don’t assume that the butch is gonna like something that you think but you should wait I don’t like baseball games you want to tape me up to a baseball game I’m gonna that’s the hard pass so I mean you know maybe something simple like sitting down somewhere and talking so you can figure out what you two might like to do together all of the butchers in the South must like Nascar right oh no yeah right so you know maybe maybe that this is like second date territory and first date should be something a little simpler wise woods what’s nice carving but not not like the the formula one what the car is the super sleek ones they look more like the ones you might drive on the road yeah and and instead of the track going with lots of curves it’s just basically around mm-hmm a whole bunch of left turns talk about boring I’m probably gonna get hate mail for that but yeah I think people watch NASCAR the same way some people watch watch hockey right and hockey they’re waiting for the fight and ask her the waiting for the crash that’s the only interesting thing I can see about a sending hate mail okay maybe not that that was beautiful and yeah I don’t watch sports at all in any shape or form I’m quite happy to not watch sports I’ll read lesbian fiction well I would say I would say that just like any first date probably the best thing that you’re going to get is an activity that will allow you both to talk to each other because that’s really what you’re wanting to do is you’re wanting to spend one-on-one time with somebody and get to know them to see if you match to see if you click to see if you have chemistry nice clothes perfect in you stack view which includes driving around in the circle it’s the most boring thing to do you get it in nothing but time to talk I don’t think that you could get me to the stadium yeah I’m gonna find a thing another is typically full as well is stereotypically watched by conservative people who don’t necessarily tend to like our time yeah true white and red mm-hmm I wasn’t going to go there but you can at Tara at the lesbian review.com I’m going to say that that all of those comments were please was holding up a sign that said read this uh-huh read this and don’t think it all about what you’re saying while you’re reading it now go okay thank you ladies for joining me today and discussing everything you tip the question we touched on it briefly thank you for listening to ask a butch I’m Sheena and I’ve been joined today by Lisa Namie you can find us all online I will add links to the show notes if you enjoyed this podcast and want to be part of the conversation and come join us on a Facebook group the lesbian talk show chat group stop what you’re doing right now and rate this podcast on iTunes why because the more ratings we have the more listeners will be able to find us and you can rate every single episode so please do that’s all for now bye