Les Talk About It Episode: 6 of 12 of the Dating Season
Join Tamara and Sheena as they talk about 8 Deadly Dating Mistakes To Avoid in this episode of Les Talk About It.
In this episode
- Being clingy
- Expecting them to fix you
- Forgetting about yourself or compromising too much
- Worrying about the future
- Listening to others too much
Les Talk About It Series: Dating
Dating is not just a fun exploration of yourself and your partner but it is an important step in your life. In this series we break down lesbian dating and talk about it.
Transcript for Today’s Show
Please note this transcript has not been edited and is automatically generated meaning certain words will be incorrect.
welcome to let’s talk about it I’m Sheena and I’m Tamara and you’re listening to the dating season the season focuses on woman loving women dating what it means how to go about it and all your questions answered so sit back relax and enjoy this podcast so today we’re talking about dating mistakes and what not to do so that you’re as successful as possible yeah I love dating mistakes not making them personally but hearing about them because they some of them are so random okay so so knowing about dating mistakes is important because it helps us to know what not to do and if we feel like we’re a little bit unlucky in love and there things just never quite work out for us we might find the reasons why here absolutely now before we go on I want to preface this by saying if you’re not with the right person no matter what you do it’s not gonna work out because you’re not with the right person mm-hmm these are just you know if you feel like you go on date after date of to date and you feel like you’re just not getting anywhere it might be that either the person you’re dating is making these mistakes or you making these mistakes so you’re never progressing to the next step okay so what is the first one the first mistake is over sharing personal details so yes so when you’re getting to know someone on a date it’s best to you know have a conversation don’t let it be too one-sided let the mystery that is you remain a mystery for a while exactly think of dating as a bit of a journey you want to take a nice slow ride you don’t want to take it all in at once you want to you know let all the wonderful scenery come by as it does so that you can actually enjoy the trek basically so we know the tendency is to rush things as lesbians we want to get it done and get it done fast look at the u-haul syndrome but don’t tell your potential life partner your life story my life story don’t tell them about things like your mental health issues straight away you know these are all the important things you need to know if you get into relationship with someone just not on the first few dates right it’s like those folks on social media that publish you know in their Twitter bio every conceivable problem that they have in their personal lives it’s a little over sharing it is and you know you don’t fall in love with someone’s anxieties more stressors you fall in love with the person for you know all the little different things that made them them so don’t focus on the negative parts of your life and because as we know negativity is easy to hop on a bus and it’s easy to focus in on so think about stuff that is good and keep it on that track also if you’ve got those big terrible laugh events and I’m not going to mention a name because this is not a recipe it’s a podcast don’t bring them up on the first dates again importance if you’re getting its relationship with someone but not right now okay so the next point is don’t be clingy yes clinging only works well for pictures and film not for people that would be King film and cling peaches yes okay so let’s define being clingy what do we mean by being clingy being clingy is always being it’s like being suffocating whoever watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 days when she trusts everything she can possibly to make him like leave her and one of her tactics is always to be in his face and to be attached at the hip with him that is being cleaning so when you feel like you know you have to be with this person 24/7 you have to phone text DM what constantly that is being clingy no one wants to you know go into a work meeting then come back to twenty five most calls in an hour oh my gosh no you also want to be able to do events with your friends without your brand-new dates tagging along completely so if you’re feeling that you’re starting to tend towards codependency that is being being clean alright so the next point is don’t expect them to fix you completely you need to be okay with yourself and you need to know where your strengths and where your weaknesses are but there’s this saying that someone is your better half that they complete you and all of that and that’s rubbish so when you’re a couple you’re supposed to bolster each other but you’re not supposed to be that person standing you’re not supposed to compensate for them so don’t expect that person to come along and fix you whether it’s your emotional well-being whether it’s you suck at being on time place or so you put all of that pressure onto them just don’t do it the other person is an individual and so are you and you’re both in charge of your own lives right and we discovered in the relationship season that studies have shown that when you are both happy with your own selves in the relationship is informal likely to succeed so people who feel like others need to fix them or they need to be in a relationship to feel whole are generally actually not really two dates there’s a lot of self work that needs to happen so if you feel that you’re falling into your this category or you feel that the person you’re dating is in this category it might be time to put the brake on and just take a break from dating the next category is forgetting about yourself or compromising too much this is letting the other person’s personality and likes of a shadow you so a lot of people especially if you’re you have a much more submissive personality you’ll pretend to defer to the other person so you know it might be hey what should we get to dinner I feel like pizza actually no I don’t want pizza I’ll prefer Chinese so you get Chinese because they want Chinese I mean this is fine every once in a while but if it’s every single time slowly you’re going to find that you’re not in a relationship here I don’t know what you’re in personal relationship but there’s no give-and-take you’re always the one that’s giving and over time that can lead to resentments so there’s a audio book called what is that audio book cooled it with about the givers and the takers and the whatever it is it’s called burnout and it’s you it’s more about men and women but I do think that it actually extends past men and women so the author’s took talk about human beings versus human givers and women usually fall into being human givers so Society has taught us to always give so whatever it is we need to give and usually that’s in response to men who have brought up to be human beings who expect others to cater to them but I do think there are definitely when you get to them in a relationship or two men in a relationship you do get people who fall into the other category even if they’re or the other gender absolutely thank you for being an awesome listen and supporting tilt the channel that brings you all the podcasts you want to hear or listening to taught find more vodka so in the Lisbon Dog Show calm all right what is the next one okay so the next one is worrying about the future so what is your endgame worth dating is it because you want to be in a relationship is it just because you want to have sex is it just because you want to get out there and meet people especially if you’re one of those people who wants to be in a relationship worrying about the future can be a problem early on in the dating cycle so you need to remember to not do that because it can actually impact on the success of the dating and of the relationship ultimately because you’re putting way too much pressure on this person and yourself right at the beginning so someone you might have you might have just met this person you’re going on the first date and you’re really talking about you know what kind of reading would you like where would you like to altom utley settle down you know how many children what do you want to call your children all of that kind of thing again dating is a journey let it take time to develop because ultimately each stage of the journey is fun isn’t in its own right and an important part of developing that relationship so if you just sit back and enjoy the ride it can be a very pleasurable experience mmm and I think with this another thing is when you’re first dating and like it’s not yet a relationship where you haven’t decided to exclusively date each other worrying about if the other person is dating other people and they’re kind of a thing if you haven’t had a conversation about it it’s also dangerous because not only are you worrying about the future you’re also starting to be clingy you’re starting to become obsessive so make sure that not only do you understand where you are and what you are know this relationship or dating that you keep it mindful of where the other person is at and make sure that you pace yourself I think that’s a really valid point I think open communication at all points during the dating space is important because otherwise you start assuming where that other person is and that can actually lead to jarring realizations for both of you so the next point is listening to other people too much this is one of those points that actually has a lot more impact on you than you think it does because if you’re listening to what others think of you and your relationships you can start making mistakes that you would normally have so if you’re letting your friends opinions on the person you’re dating you know overshadow what you think it could impact the way you treat the person it could impact your next move so remember this is when you’re dating someone it’s between you and that person your friends and family have nothing to do alerts it might be silly things like you have a friend who doesn’t like blondes right and you’re dating a blonde and then that person’s thing against blondes starts to impact you and you start like you know actually I’m not that into blondes every time I’ve had a black or a blonde relationship it never goes well so don’t let other people have too much say in your relationship the next one is a problem that lesbians experience very often and it’s the u-haul syndrome mm-hmm I think it’s probably one of the biggest mistakes that lesbians fall into and the the problem with the you hauling is that it’s not even just a trope it’s a fact lesbians do this they move in together very fast and the problem with this is that you’re getting together and forming a relationship moving and with each other we in here in the earliest honeymoon stages of a relationship so you’re high on all those good hormones all those things that make you feel amazing and wonderful you’re not actually dealing with the realities of the person the problem with this is that you’re getting involved and of the relationship that doesn’t have any legs it’s usually purely physical the honeymoon phase of a relationship is easy it’s easy to be tricked during that relationship phase into thinking this is forever she’s the one she’s perfect look how amazing she is the thing is though moving in together too forced can actually damage your relationship because it will crash the honeymoon phase probably sooner than you should it accelerates the whole relationship a lot and the problem with it is that okay so you break up with this person and then the next next date you go on you’re meddling madly in love again and you hole again so what happens as you get into the cycle of these fast relationships which are always disappointing so it hasn’t just not not just a defect on your dating life it has an effect eventually on your confidence on your ability to think that you’re actually able to be in a relationship and it’s you know it’s actually got nothing to do that with that is that you’re just you’re not thinking clearly about whether this relationship should be moving to that points so again slow down enjoy the journey and maybe sell the u-haul so there is but there is a relationship like a cycle that you go through in your relationship to get past the honeymoon phase and into the long-term phase there’s an unpleasant in-between cycle and then the you holding hurries up the cycle and makes it an unnatural thing which means you more likely to want to break up yes okay now you want to talk about your favorite pastime baby okay and then the last mistake is good old-fashioned stalking we’re talking about two types of stalking here and it starts off with a cyber stalking so on Facebook Instagram other social media and I think everyone does a little bit of that especially at the beginning when you’re getting to know someone you know you want to make sure that they’re not an ax murderer and say who they actually are right the problem is that over stalking on social media can result in problems when you’re dating someone it can ramp up obsession because you’re monitoring witness persons s you can monitor who they worth which will also create that clinginess eventually so stalking on social media is something that you really need to be aware of and it’s something that if you can just keep away from it remember they’re an individual and they’re allowed to have friends and they’re allowed to be friends with other woman as well not everyone there they’ve picturing themselves worth on social media is a potential competition for you stalking is a nasty nasty thing to do to somebody it ruins trust in a relationship it’s creepy to know it is and the thing is like I think it starts off so innocently and very soon you have all this information about this person that they haven’t actually revealed themselves to you so you know that they spent yesterday with their mother at a cooking class and they didn’t tell you so like you bring that up and I mean you know imagine someone brings up something you didn’t tell them it’s a bit weird or you invite them out on the date and they say they can’t and then later that day you see a picture of them at a club with some beautiful woman and you’re just like what the hell you can’t go out with me but you at this club with all these women it’s just really unhealthy so you don’t know who those people are you there they’re not to have their own life so I don’t know it’s very unhealthy also if you’re that unhappy in the relationship you probably shouldn’t be in that relationship or you should do some self-discovery stuff yourself it’s not healthy to feel that way and then I think more dangerously is that when you start becoming I’m obsessed to the point where you’re checking out where this person is is that can leak and just stalking them for this person in your life so use that again they’ve told you that can go somewhere with you you’re monitoring their social media to see where they are then you make sure you that you’re at the same location it’s dangerous it’s not healthy and it’s illegal yes it’s illegal so you know make sure that you’re not doing that and if you are finding yourself doing that maybe it’s time to like stop that relationship and go to a therapist yep yeah you shouldn’t be having those feelings about anybody and so you need to go figure out what’s going on with you so those are the biggest mistakes that can happen in dating so those are the eight deadly dating mistakes that’s all for this episode you’re listening to let’s talk about it I’m Sheena and I’m Tamara and we’re wishing you luck on your next date absolutely go out there and knock your socks off if you enjoy this podcast please make sure to raise five stars on Apple podcasts it helps other queer women find the show we love you and we appreciate it if you share this podcast with your friends we’d like to get as many people this name to this channel as possible and that not only means as we’re able to continue doing this but it means that we’re reaching out more people and making people more comfortable being out absolutely quick content is important help us make it and help us grow thank you for listening and we will see you next time bye bye