No Is A Complete Sentence
Coffee Break With KA & Dana: Meaningful Conversations From A Lesbian Perspe
No is a powerful little word that puts you in the driver’s seat of your own life. In this episode, KA and Dana discuss:
- reasons you should learn to say no
- what to do if you have trouble saying no
- saying no to others
- saying no to yourself
- No is a complete sentence
KA is an author of lesbian fiction with degrees in counseling, psychology, and social work. She writes stories about lesbians, burdened by past trauma, who find healing in the love of a soul mate.
Dana is an avid reader, a recovering alcoholic, a fisher-woman, and a graduate of the school of hard knocks.
As co-hosts, they’re quite the duo. Connect with them online at www.kamoll.com
Music in this episode (Lucky Way) is licensed for use in various multimedia applications by Melody Loops.
please note this transcript has not been edited and is automatically generated meaning certain words will be incorrect
welcome to coffee break with ka and Dana were brought to you by the lesbian talk show I’m Kay a lesbian romance author and in my past life counselor in the social worker and I’m Deena an avid reader coffee connoisseur recovering alcoholic and a graduate of the school of hard knocks grab a cup of coffee pull up a chair join us for a meaningful conversation from a lesbian perspective alright hey we are talking about a powerful a word today two tiny little letters that so many have a difficult time saying no and you know I don’t get that I don’t have a problem with saying no no no it’s a complete sentence I’ll bet you don’t I’ll bet you don’t have a bit of problem in fact I know that you don’t I on the other hand do wine well that’s a very good question my wife has that question she has taught me over the years to say no more than I used to I don’t know I don’t know at some level if somebody asks for help I just I mean that’s my example here I guess I just feel like if I’ve got a minute I should stop what I’m doing and give it to them but what if you’re in the middle of something and it’s hard to stop and start and it puts pressure on you oh I know that I know that am I on I might crumble a little bit while I did but I never grumbled to the person I’ll stop what I’m doing and do it and there are other kinds of situations as well yeah those no is a word that I have work done through the years and it sometimes it takes practice to say no I don’t have that like I don’t have that problem so it’s hard for me no I have a hard time saying no tactfully that’s where I get into trouble because I believe no is a complete sentence and I don’t have to tell somebody why I said no oh oh you you are my role model my wife can do that too my wife can do it well I can do it and I can do it sometimes for instance if it’s a if it has to do with values what’s right to what’s wrong or a bit of problem saying no there no I’m not comfortable with that no that’s wrong no you shouldn’t do that you need to explain that well I don’t even know that I feel I have to explain it I did just now because we’re talking about it but in those situations that are that that I don’t know that moral compass kind of thing I can say no and you should just you can just read between the lines why I might go on to explain it but it’s because I probably want to see it it would probably wouldn’t work I shouldn’t say it but it probably wouldn’t work for me because I don’t want to would probably be my answer most to the time well what if what if it was something that was I don’t know just raw what if it was I don’t know stealing from someone or setting someone up to take a fall I don’t think you’d do that but if you were asked to I think you’d say no and then I think you’d go on to give them a piece of my piece of your mind that’s what I think am i right yeah I probably would depending on who the person was if it was somebody that I didn’t know that well or I just don’t think that hi Lea I just said no we’re not good I’m not doing it and leave it at that but if it was somebody important to me I would explain why I’m saying no oh yeah in that situation it wouldn’t be so much of an explanation as a lecture with me and I probably enjoyed it but I’ve never struggled saying no in those situations yes you know can you stop what you’re doing and come help me with my computer oh you’re writing I’m sorry well you’re already if I had a truck can can you can you stop by and move a couple boxes to the warehouse for me yeah see those are what I struggle with I used to drive a a pickup and you know you had those situations or the boss who knows you’re the easy mark hey you wouldn’t uh would you mind doing this or this or the other yeah I know you’re doing something else can you just kind of work that in my last boss was that way and and I will admit I didn’t tell her no very often but occasionally if I was knee-deep in the middle of something I would tell her I can’t do it right this second but I will do it but there were a lot of times she asked me to stand to work and it’s like no because I don’t yeah I wouldn’t get paid for it so I was like okay so your line was just you drew your line at a different place when you draw your line at a different place when you’re talking with someone in a threat you signs my paychecks her fingers on your paycheck yeah that’s why I was going bad okay what well probably most people do that now in all fairness most people do that even people say no very well recognized who butters their hand unless they’re straight yeah yeah but my wife loves for me to get right in the middle of a project and then she starts a project that I that I know she can’t do and then wants me to stop my project and help her oh no my never dull bang does that all the time yours doesn’t this yours listen to our podcast oh yeah yeah I’m sure oh well yeah guys it kind of goes along with that that personality that can say no so easily as then that’s just the way it is my co-host – blows nose no never have but but some people do strong okay so I’m glad we have I’m glad we have a pro on board here because you can like you can like help us help us learn oh wait sentence and you don’t have to explain yourself I mean you can but why you say no is your your personal credo or your belief and just say no I mean just chalk me up to Dancy Reagan you know just say no and leave it at that so you think just having permission to say no teach us so another good but there are so other way you know wrap this you know in okay different situations and you know where I have to maybe what I need to work on is how to say no tactfully because I can just say no and turn and walk away and not finish the conversation okay nao-san is the fact you need to work on saying it tactfully kind of leads us to what might be a middle ground for those of us that struggle to say no saying I’ll think about it or something like I think about it at know is sometimes easy well you can think about it for 10 seconds after you walk off but it’s still a no can’t you and it trust me if I say no I am gonna think about it afterwards because I’m gonna feel bad that they didn’t help the person you they ask you to put yourself out out there why do you feel bad with an S cuz I figured they would ask if they needed then they’re gonna come back the next time and ask you again and ask you again and ask you again and where do you draw the line such a wise co-host you are because you know what that takes actly what happened once someone figures that you got a pickup truck and once you carry that first buck yeah every bucks they need from now on so are yours to carry I know I see the benefit but and and and I think you’re I think you’re right on those things practice say it no practice makes perfect say no it doesn’t turn out so bad it might be easier next time kind of a thing carve out your own personal space you have a right to continue doing what you’re doing I can say all the words it still has been a lifelong struggle with me to say no in those situations when a mess for help and you were like my models I think will practice for like a couple minutes at the end of each episode they’re just it’s it’s hard I bet it’s hard but what I don’t get is people who say no and then go ahead and do it anyway that they’re the ones that walk away feeling that the ones that say no I’m not gonna help you do a B or C and then turn around the next day and help you do a B or C yeah they’re the ones who’ve mastered saying the word and then walk away from that situation feel them bad and then they go on back does it make any sense to me no it doesn’t to me that that just right is everybody good to me that’s just like saying I’ll think about it in your head and your heart you’re saying no but you can’t get your mouth to follow yeah yeah well I think practice does make perfect but let’s just say I still working honest and well I’ve been well I’ve been working at it for like ever my wife’s been working on it with me for like ever so I don’t know it’s it’s hard work you know saying no to others that’s one thing but there’s also situations where you need to say no to yourself that when I get in trouble with oh yeah I’m guilty I you know especially when it comes to food that I know I shouldn’t eat I’m horrible I’ll eat the cookie and then I’ll be rate myself for eating the cookie or the look or the line of Girl Scout cookies my name is Dana and I am addicted to thin mints oh that’s my favorite too I haven’t had one of those first loss like here they’re still fabulous good need one they are fabulous you can we can do an advertisement right here free for girls Thin Mints all right yeah yeah we are both fed mint fans had it for a long time I might now cuz she made me think about but you’re not alone in that I mean anyone who has struggled with dieting no knows the struggle of dieting it’s hard to say no in the situations and I would imagine I’m guessing here but I would imagine that saying no to a drink might be something that you that is talked about it me you know I spent 23 years not saying no and when I had to learn to say no it was wrong I mean you know it’s when you’ve had something like that that’s been your crutch for years saying no to it is overwhelmingly hard so how did you how did it all come together how how did no stick on one occasion and obvious to the point whether I knew I knew if I didn’t say no that I was gonna die then ouch that’s just the truth of it I just wasn’t gonna I couldn’t live like I was living any longer okay but you’re better where eggs are concerned yes yes you’re better today you’re not gonna die today if you have a how do you say no today it’s not an issue today I don’t think about it today like I did in the beginning so eventually you say no did the extra Girl Scout cookie long enough and then it’s easier to say no it’s kind of the same thing isn’t it and yeah if it is the same but I choose not to say no to the Girl Scouts I figure that five bucks helps them yeah it’s not why I do it and there might be a motivation motivation piece to all of it I believe that I mean like say not saying no to the person I keep picking on pickup truck drivers but not saying no to the person that continually uses you for your pickup truck the motivation might be that you want to be liked or that you like being known as the one who comes through for other people which I guess comes back to being liked but if somebody’s gonna like me only because I have a pickup truck and help them then are they really a good friend well they might be they might be a good friend and a user or they might just be a user it just depends what more there is to that relationship right at least for me it does I mean you can have somebody you know you can have somebody that just has next to nothing and the way they survive is by asking for things from everyone because they survive on next to nothing I’m not making an excuse here I’m just saying there are those folks out there and they may still be a good friend to you in every other way except for they just happen to be someone who uses you don’t think a user computer friend I’m just trying to think how to phrase this dealt but if someone like that were in my life I would hope they would say you know I’ll give you a couple bucks for gas or I’ll help you clean your house or you know I will help you in some other way maybe that doesn’t cost them anything so so that there’s an equal partnership but if I’m just given and given and given and given it’s gonna get old really fast for me well and that and being used does get old I mean that’s that’s just a reality but but there are you know I I think there are situations where people use to survive they they don’t have enough of anything and so they look around the thing is their friend pool probably grizzle right because their users yeah yeah but I can think of other such you know a very elderly person that can do next to nothing for themselves and can’t alone every time I have an affinity for old yes and I will – I will – I will stop and help somebody like that need but but that relationship may not be reciprocal ever because I mean there are situations where someone that I have much to give and I’m a firm believer honestly and you know what some sometimes the reciprocation is just saying thank you for those that’s a good point for the elderly people you know that’s that’s a good point I have done a lot for us as a generation and if I can help them in some way I will and I won’t feel I don’t feel bad about it that’s it that’s a good point you know my wife always when this type of topic comes up she really struggles with she’s a really generous person and there are times that you give enough and then some rights to expect it they not only expect it they come to ask for it and they may or may not remember to say thank you and and giving is quite different when there’s an expectation that he’s going to do it which kind of ties back to saying no and in those situations in those situations I can say no easily no is a complete sentence I can say preach that it is it a complete sentence with yes it empowers you and and it saves you sometimes because sometimes people may ask you to do things that as you said earlier are against your moral compass or will cost you money you know moving that box may not be that hard but the gas to get to their house and then to get where they want it dropped off and get back home cost you money if you don’t have that gas then what do you do money time and removes you from something you need to get done so know is an important word to work on and I think our discussion has shown that sometimes a person can say no in one area really well and struggling another struggle so practice makes perfect and on that note another score until next time one more before the entire decision hard to believe in that you’ve been listening to coffee break with K and Dana meaningful conversations from a lesbian perspective brought to you by the lesbian talk show listen to us on pot bean and iTunes follow us on Twitter like us on Facebook until next week be kind to one another or car and watch amazing things happen in your corner of the world