Discover Your Love Language

In the first episode of the Relationship season of Les Talk About it, Sheena and Tamara discuss how to Discover Your Love Language

Les Talk About It Episode: 1 of 12 of the Relationship Season

Join Tamara and Sheena as they talk about Discovering Your Love Language in this episode of Les Talk About It.

In this episode:

  • What are the 5 Love languages
  • The most controversial and misunderstood love language
  • How your love language affects your relationship
  • How Tamara and Sheena’s love languages differ
  • What love languages mean for your relationship

Listen here

 

The book we discuss

The 5 Love Languages by Dr Garry Chapman

Publisher Northfield Publishing

Available in audiobook Yes, narrated by the author

Synopsis

– Over 11 million copies sold

– #1 New York Times Bestseller for 8 years running

– Now celebrating its 25th anniversary

Simple ideas, lasting love

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love—that’s the challenge. How can you keep your relationship fresh and growing amid the demands, conflicts, and just plain boredom of everyday life?

In the #1 New York Times bestseller The 5 Love Languages, you’ll discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman’s proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner—starting today.

The 5 Love Languages is as practical as it is insightful. Updated to reflect the complexities of relationships today, this new edition reveals intrinsic truths and applies relevant, actionable wisdom in ways that work.

Includes the Couple’s Personal Profile assessment so you can discover your love language and that of your loved one.

Get your copy on Amazon

This link works for US, UK, Canada and Europe

FIND THE TEST HERE

Les Talk About It Episode: 1 of 12 of the Relationship Season

Relationships are important for humans. We need them to survive, never mind thrive. In this series we delve into relationships and break down some statistics and realities because, let’s face it, most us just muddle through and don’t necessarily have the skillset to rally make a relationship work.  

 

Transcript

Please note, this is a computer generated transcript so it is not 100% correct

Welcome to Les Talk About It, I’m Tamara and I’m Sheena and today we’re talking about relationships more specifically we’re gonna be looking at a self-help book that became very popular in 1996 and it’s the five love languages by Gary Chapman let’s take three steps back before we do this this is a brand new season of let’s talk about it and this season we’re focusing on relationships as a whole so we’re gonna look at all sorts of relationship related topics but today’s focus is on this book yes why did we decide to start with us by thinking a book I think this is a particularly cool book because it shows how language can affect your relationship and I don’t mean just words I mean actions and gifts and all sorts of things yes so if you haven’t read the five love languages we’re gonna actually be breaking down the book in this podcast but if it sounds like something if you be into I would suggest going and buying the book and giving it a read let’s start with some background so it was written by dr. Gary Chapman he used to be a marriage counselor so it comes from someone who knows about relationships and made it his life’s work to help people be better in their relationships okay so it’s not just a self-help book by someone who decided hey my marriage is great or I know about relationships and they’re talking you know afterwards ooh this is someone who has had experience with many different couples and they’ve got experience in relationships so I think it’s a good place to start when you’re looking at this kind of book it was so interesting because you and I did love languages taste yes and it really opened my eyes to how different our communication style is and how important it is for me that you do certain things but you didn’t realize that and I didn’t realize it on a conscious level but when we dug in mmm suddenly a lot became clearer yeah so just to take it back a little bit in the dr. Chapman actually lays out different types of language that people use to communicate love and to help you figure out which one you are which when your partner is they’ve actually created a test that you can take which shows you what your main love languages but then also sometimes your subsidiary love languages it depends on you as a person some people have multiple some people have one okay so I think at this point people going like what are you talking about what’s the love language are you talking about the words I’m using yeah well basically it’s different ways of communicating when we’re talking communicating we’re not just talking about spoken language we’re talking about actions we’re talking about gifts we’re talking about ways of being with each other so we’ll go through the different love languages so that people can understand it better I think that’s a great idea yeah so the whole premise came was when he was doing counseling he kept getting people saying that they don’t feel like their spouse loves them they don’t feel like their spouse understands them and I think of that gets to the core of the issue people communicate differently and have different needs and the discrepancy between those needs is what causes a lot of strife in relationships not the only cause but it’s a cause for a lot of the daily issues that people have so at this point that I still wouldn’t know what the heck we were told yeah so let’s break it down for them into the different love languages so they’re five of them right there’s five of them mechanically so what are they so it’s weird affirmation okay what is words are there for me okay so these are words that express love and that build up your partner okay so this is so would this be a compliment for example compliments can be one but it’s not just compliments it’s just words that show affection and show that you’re affirming them as a person that builds them up building up is the point here so you get some people whose way of being is that they’re self-deprecating right but they do that to other people too so I’m okay you finally and I’ll call you an idiot that is not words of affirmation so if your love language was words of affirmation that would like really break your heart because it is completely against what you need so a better way to be would be that your Fanny or just to simply laugh laughing in this case would be a words of affirmation it’s a way of showing you that you’re funny like complimenting your phoniness whatever it is so let’s just stop there for a minute and talk about this you brought up a very salient point which is that often people are self-deprecating and they this infests their relationship I have seen partners call each other exactly that idiot stupid door it can be even things like you know sometimes it was something will start out as a joke you’ll call each other bitches or whatever it is and the thing is those words do have negative connotations and for a good reason in a construct are funny but I think they can naturally become bad as woman particularly tend to have a lot of negative feelings about ourselves we tend to be self-doubting a lot and if you had to say to me that I was being an idiot’s about something it would sit and fester and no acne and make me feel worse and worse and worse and the more you did it the worse it would become the cycle yes but the key here is it’s specifically if your love language was words of affirmation right because it doesn’t affect all people in the same way that they cancel a feature obviously I mean you’re a human being with a psyche but for someone whose words of information as they love learn it will affect them deeper and it will become a problem words of affirmation as a love language is when you really need to hear yes you need someone to show their love verbally okay okay so you deserve verbal yes this could be something as simple as those genes or kraton you know instead of ignoring this was a really great dinner yes he is exactly oh you always make me laugh okay so it doesn’t have to be direct compliment it just can be something that shows that you notice but verbally okay yeah okay with terms of endearment accountants of course yes so England thing which is a positive uplifting language that you’re saying to someone else would be words of affirmation okay okay cool so what’s the second one okay the second one are acts of service okay okay so acts of service are things which you can do for someone else someone whose love language is acts of service means that they enjoy doing stuff with other people but they also enjoy when people do stuff for them right okay and we’re not talking for me the word service feels a bit luck it feels a little but like you know you’re under service to someone else and I don’t like that term personally but I think it’s a great term to describe what it is you don’t like it because it’s not your love language yes but it helped me my love and so if you do something like the dishes or make dinner or feed the dogs then I feel like you love me exactly so this a person who’s active love languages they’re I mean which acts of service is their love language this will probably be a very big driving force in their life as a whole they’re inactions person yeah they’re going to be a doer and that falls through into the communication and how they show their affection so whether it is doing the dishes making dinner for someone all of that deciding to do a tour that’s not yours all of that shows appreciation to them and it shows them that you care again this isn’t about having someone do something for you it’s not about control it’s just showing someone that you love them then by giving thought time and effort to something yes yes okay specially if whatever it is that you’re giving thought time and if to something that’s important to it mm-hm exactly so again and if active service is something that’s not your driver it can be very difficult for you and it’s something that might not be top of mind like for me yeah it’s something that falls by the wayside you have to be very conscious to actually do it to be proactive in all of these because we’ll get to yours in a minute yes so with love languages and I think here now who’ve done two of them you can see that if it’s something that’s not your own strong suits it’s difficult to remember to do it right there’s only tainted your own love language right exactly exactly so let’s talk about yours and then we can see the difference between the two okay so my love language is physical touch yes and this one people just like oh well isn’t everyone’s love language physical touch no not at all yeah I’m a very physical person I like to hold hands and like someone to touch me tickle massage which he means tickles means like soft tickles on her back she doesn’t look mean funny taken I just like stroking it’s just any touch hugging playing with her here as we sit here now on these or touching my love language is touch when I’m not feeling great when I need reassurance I need to touch and for Sheena this can come across as very clingy and it’s the exact opposite for me if I’m feeling vulnerable so I’m feeling sick or I’m feeling upset about something I don’t want to be touched yes and when I see her feeling not great I want to hug her because for me that makes me feel better so before we did this I didn’t understand it was why don’t you want me to comfort you why don’t you love me but that’s not the case somewhat because it’s different wait a different way so if she knows not feeling great a bit away might be to I don’t know make her a cup of coffee exactly which is an act of service which makes me feel loved and it’s not a case of being clingy when I really don’t want touches and here’s an unfortunate side effect it’s more a superpower here is every time she gets sick with the flu [Laughter] if I can live in a bubble during flea season I’d certainly would you’re listening to the lesbian talk-show the lesbians will choke on your hub of podcast information all right so the next love language is receiving gifts hmm now I think this one is probably one of the most controversial love languages because it seems extremely selfish it’s also misunderstood I think by everybody who’s not a gift person yes so for me when I first heard receiving gifts I was just like wow that’s shallow right and once stuff yes and I’m just like well I’m so much better than that because I don’t want like stuff I just want you to be with me and I wouldn’t hit myself with a hate because it’s such a shallow way of thinking it’s hugely judge-made so I would terrible person having said that I totally get it as somebody who’s not I don’t really like gifts I find it catches up my life hmm okay so the thing with receiving gifts now granted there is a wide range of what a gift could be yes and some people do want the Chanel handbag or a car or whatever it is there’s a gift and that’s what they’re going to appreciate fun but it’s on a path of materialism it’s actually about the thought and meaning that winds into the gift yes and that’s where the important part is so it can be that you know you once were on a date and you were chatting about your favorite childhood book and you lost that book and that makes you kind of sad and then one day out of the blue I’ll go find a book can I give it to you that’s a gift but it’s also a meaningful gift it’s not just something expensive or something to me just to give you – shut up or whatever it is there’s meaning behind it could be you know recreating a meal that you’ve spoken about so there’s many things that are gifts and it’s actually nothing to do with the materialism and that’s important and that’s exactly it because the people who are driven by the gift-giving I mean if you go into the research and what’s behind that is the fact that you noticed that you paid attention that you thought about them that you could follow through and turn that into something that is a memory hmm yeah and can even be something small like you know stopping at a petrol station on the way home from work and picking up your favorite chocolate that’s a gift that’s a gift I can get beyond the truffle it’s always a gift you can get but my point is it doesn’t have to be paid those have to be extravagant just it has to show that you’ve been thinking about the other person and that’s you understand him basically organize think you’re absolutely right okay none of these are better or worse they’re just different ways of being yes so then the last one is quality time okay so this love language is about undivided attention so it’s spending time with each other but spending time with each other in a way that is energizing I suppose for the person who’s venues time as the love language so it’s you know it’s not watching TV it’s not sitting it onto tether on the cart while you’re on your phones it’s actually spinning and engaging with each other in a way that builds the relationship it must be really difficult in this day and age for people who spend their lives on their phones or watching TV you know look I mean I’m saying that but again you know if you love this particular TV series and it’s your thing that could be quality time you know absolutely if you’re gamers and you enjoy playing I’m not some smartphone game together whatever there could be quality time don’t dick me tell you what quality time is but the thing is a don’t mistake spending time together for quality time okay that’s what I’m saying like make sure that when you’re spending time together these that that’s something something it makes it special let’s not just be in the same room okay so people have now heard this podcast right where do they go from here and then for the next step with often listening to this podcast is to actually go and do the taste so on Google just Google five love languages taste and there’s multiple free ones but on dr. Gary Chapman’s website the official five love languages website is a tastier as well and it’s completely free you do have to give your email address but that’s fine you seen gee emails about the different love languages really and like updates to tour how to go about using them it’s very generous a lot of these things you need to buy the book to do it but I also recommend if this is something that’s interesting to you if this is something that you think will help your relationships with others help you understand other people better get the book support the author the students done some amazing research and come up with a really interesting set of ways of dynamics well put a link in the show notes so that you can go buy the book if you want it absolutely but the thing for me is that I do but I don’t like to recommend self-help books generally because I feel like sometimes the authors don’t know what they’re speaking about but in this case this is an expert and this makes sense you know yeah here’s the thing for me it’s any book not just self-help any books I’m very very particular about my media and I want to ensure that we’re providing value and we do recommend something this dude’s done a good thing I’m happy recommending his work yes so you know if you are in the relationship and you feel like these sometimes you just aren’t connecting or you feel like there’s different expectations between you two or you have different priorities and you don’t know how to deal with this it’s not a deal breaking situation you just have different love languages generally or different ways of communicating it was a big eye-opener for me when we did the tests and we came out with like completely different things something that is my love language you see as a burden yes as something that like why would I want to do that and for me it’s very much like well I’m doing it because I care yes good for me it just feels like work and well but the other way around with the touchy-feely thing I’m like dude I don’t want to be touched when I’m feeling horrible I just want to be left alone exactly and now I get it now I get why you’re like you know trying to hug me and stuff it does help because it has helped me to understand that there’s more to our communication than just words and just remember like lack of communication is the biggest reason for divorce in separation it’s because it’s a difficult thing to get right yep and it’s something that everyone deals with even in relationships outside of love relationships it’s true my mother’s a gift person a person and I know that straight off because she puts a lot of thought into her gifts and she expects a lot of thought back for her gift sir a big thing for her yes I mean they’re such an interesting point if you go on to his website he’s actually got love language tastes and stuff for children as well for parents and children and for different types of relationships because it does carry over it’s actually communication in general I mean you might even have some of the things with your coworkers you might have a co-worker who’s a Hagee person you might have a co-worker who’s always bringing in cookies or whatever this is the love language is a player completely the guy who likes to sit at your desk you know talking to you all day and you just like Jesus I want to work he wants to spend time with you so I think I think it’s a good thing for understanding people in general in relationships you know that horrible feeling when you feel like you’re speaking two different languages in the middle of an argument it feels like you’re just not crossing that communication barrier well this is one step closer to helping bridge that divide yes so if you do feel like you need help with your communication or even if you don’t feel like you just kind of curious go do the test just do it and make your loved one do it if nothing else then you’ll know you’ll know so thank you for listening to the first episode in let’s talk about this relationship series yes and we’re going to be bringing you all sorts of interesting things about relationships and the complexities thereof so stay tuned next week mm-hmm in the meantime we’d love it if you’d go over to Apple podcasts and give us a 5-star review it helps other people find it you can also share this podcast with your friends families whoever mm-hmm and we’re on Spotify now so if you’re listening to podcasts on Spotify come find us there. I think that’s all for this week go thank someone thank you so many [Music]